There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
