So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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