well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
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he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
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I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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