It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
