Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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