i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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