george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The power of my boobs compel you
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
