Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
