afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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