My hand turned me down
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
