Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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