you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
