She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
