Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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