Apparently you make a good broom.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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