see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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