my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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