alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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