oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
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I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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