a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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