The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize