i jhust puked up my retainher.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
