I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
