i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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