Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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