The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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