I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
