I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
