So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
