Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
