i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
