in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
