why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
