Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
