i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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