just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
