but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
