Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
