I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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