i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
