We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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