Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
