I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
