omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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