In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
