Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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