in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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