dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
