That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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