I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
