omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my shit smells like andre
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
