she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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