life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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