OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
