God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
