Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
