i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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