I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
