Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
